I had seen My Dark Vanessa all over the internet for a while when it was released. But I was told to check the trigger warnings and I was NOT in the right space. I’m so glad I took the time to wait, because while it was still a very emotionally intense book for me, I ended up enjoying it. Keep reading this book review for my full thoughts.
Summary
2000. Bright, ambitious, and yearning for adulthood, fifteen-year-old Vanessa Wye becomes entangled in an affair with Jacob Strane, her magnetic and guileful forty-two-year-old English teacher.
2017. Amid the rising wave of allegations against powerful men, a reckoning is coming due. Strane has been accused of sexual abuse by a former student, who reaches out to Vanessa, and now Vanessa suddenly finds herself facing an impossible choice: remain silent, firm in the belief that her teenage self willingly engaged in this relationship, or redefine herself and the events of her past. But how can Vanessa reject her first love, the man who fundamentally transformed her and has been a persistent presence in her life? Is it possible that the man she loved as a teenager—and who professed to worship only her—may be far different from what she has always believed?
Alternating between Vanessa’s present and her past, My Dark Vanessa juxtaposes memory and trauma with the breathless excitement of a teenage girl discovering the power her own body can wield. Thought-provoking and impossible to put down, this is a masterful portrayal of troubled adolescence and its repercussions that raises vital questions about agency, consent, complicity, and victimhood.
Review
(Disclaimer: I received this book from the publisher. This has not impacted my review which is unbiased and honest.)
(Disclaimer: I received this book from the publisher. This has not impacted my review which is unbiased and honest.)
TW: rape, assault, grooming, sexism, pedophilia, gaslighting, suicidal ideation, suicide
Even days later, I’m not sure how to review My Dark Vanessa. It’s a difficult book to read because I was split between empathizing, and relating, to Vanessa while also acknowledging her flaws and mistakes. This is very much Vanessa’s story and her own narration. Her own journey full of mistakes we don’t understand, excuses we make up for our own sake, and comments that simultaneously unsettle and confuse us. My Dark Vanessa tells the story of Vanessa, of her being groomed.
The recent allegations in 2017 by a former student of Strane causes Vanessa to re-visit her memories. Memories which, I’d argue, never left her. Which still very much live within her body, her self, and her present. The gestures and bodily habits that register without even realizing it. How it feels to be ‘special’ and how badly we, as teens, crave this feeling of being taken seriously and seen. Of how our society lives in this space of sexually objectifying girls and also rhetoric that puts the responsibility on them.
My Dark Vanessa was emotionally heart wrenching. Because Vanessa’s story is about her own mental space. These echoes and feelings, statements whispered against skin, that one holds close to us – because what else? The coercion. How we are supposed to be able to speak up, but how it’s never that easy. It’s heartbreaking because we live in this culture of fear and silence. Of knowing that once you speak out, your entire live and choices seem to be fodder for criticism and blame. All these moments of (re)framing.
Overall,
If you are interested in character developments, in raw and emotional books, and you read the trigger warnings, then you should see if My Dark Vanessa is for you. It’s a book I’m glad I read, but definitely had to wait to be in the right space. Because it also never sugar coats these contradictions, these double binds, and the sexism within our society. Because while there’s emotional manipulation and exploitation to the gills, there’s also an element of truth in the ways our society is not kind at all to women who speak out.
My Dark Vanessa is a story that will evoke all your emotions. It details Vanessa’s astonishment, pain, resentment, guilt and anger, but also loss and love, delusion and the shattered innocence of being a teen. Find My Dark Vanessa on Goodreads, Amazon, Indiebound, Bookshop.org & The Book Depository.
I can still remember the intense emotions I got from reading this last year – it’s really a book that forces you to grapple with the impacts of society’s obsession with youth and how that warps the idea of love at times. Loved this review!
Yes! I felt like I needed a little decompression session after reading like every day