So what was October even like? For me, it’s all a blur. You know how I was like, oh self-care, I’m going to get better at that? Well I didn’t. Are you even the remote bit surprised?
This month was wild with pressure. I was committed to reading as many books as I could. I was convinced I could get back on track. Spoilers, I actually did. I am currently (as I’m writing this at the beginning of November) starting to get a head start on December/January books. I have a better reading schedule for November planned out. Which is hard because you’re reading this post almost 3 weeks after I am writing it. But as of now I’m on track for November to really catch up on the work I need to do.
This doesn’t include books I missed for the year. Like in September and before that. That I’m going to need to spend months in 2019 unfolding. I have a new schedule where I’m reading certain numbers of books of backlist, upcoming books, and 2019 further books. So in good news I’m so happy with my reading schedule as of now.
But I think the biggest thing I realized this month is that when I’m my own boss I set a ridiculous pace. Like it’s absolutely un-cool. And I do it all to myself. I am a heavily ambitious human. That’s where I get my biggest Slytherin side from. So when I have no work and all these books, I say, let’s read about 5 hours a day and also write blog posts and reviews, sounds good right?
My brain says no. My body says no. But my little green heart is all about that life.
And while I thought at the end of October I’d feel this moment of ‘when October is over, I’ll feel so much better’ well MAJOR spoiler. Nope. Not even close. The pressure will always be there. It’s now my job to manage it. To not do what I’ve been doing. Am I going to change? I’m going to try. Check back in with me in December.
Meanwhile, my life pressure has felt like that gif of the dog wearing the hat in a burning room. And all I can do to keep myself from not crumbling has been to pour all my energy into the blog. I feel like all of these monthly reflections are just confessionals. Look at how good I am at getting rid of stress and depression into other totally UNHEALTHY ways. Look at that.
So my big mission for November is to apply for jobs. Not even necessarily starting them. I have felt so burnt out. From life. From everything. I’ve been working myself to the bone from…well since forever? When I constantly threw myself from thing to thing. So I’m burn out from life in general. The blog is keeping me from falling into that black hole, but it’s also making the hole bigger every day. So my major mission in November is….well actually until today (when I’m writing this) it was moving on track to be another October. But maybe I decide to just relax.
Relaxing seems to be against my DNA. I could write a whole post about my feelings on this. Maybe I will when I have the space, the mental space to organize my brain. ISN’T THAT TELLING ENOUGH BRAIN!? It’s like WHY, I need mental space and self-care to write a post about how awful my self-care is and how I never give myself mental space.
Oh the universe.