Talk about a really late post. I don’t even remember what I did in September. Oh right, moved again. And the reasons I was putting off this post all come back to me.
I talked a little about my mental state in my September wrap up so you might know a little bit about me. And if you’ve been following my Twitter you’ll have seen more in depth and raw me. That’s generally what Twitter is all about isn’t it? I tweet impulsive, somewhat insecure Tweets designed for you to tell me that my cupcakes look good. Not a euphemism, literally what I asked for the other day.
As I mentioned in the Wrap Up, I was trying to read as many books as possible. As many physical ones. And combined with me being home, then deciding I needed to pack up my life, left me incredibly burn out. I think I had like 20 or so reviews I needed to write in Germany in October. So September was a whirlwind. Like I barely remember it really.
Combined with the Brooklyn Book Festival, driving to Boston for the Boston Teen Author Festival, it was just a whirlwind. I think I was in NYC two to three days each week. And I barely got any time to just be me. To have down time. Not to mention, I was trying to read about a book a day. Which is steep. I mean, I’m kind of on that, “read as much as you can to get caught up” mode, but the IRL people in my life are borderline concerned.
(On another note, I really am too busy because I barely remember my days really. I mean I know I’m working, reading, and writing, but I forget so much else).
So to say the least, my mental health was not good. I was anxious all the time, destroying my hands, clicking my teeth, and always exhausted. I was trimming the edges at both ends, getting up early and going to sleep late. Reading. And I genuinely love reading and these stories are so powerful and invigorating, but there comes a time when you just want to take a step back.
And I haven’t. You’d think this is the time in which I’d say, oh yes, September was incredibly stressful and probably the most stressful month of my year if not the last few years and then I learned my lesson in October.
That’s just not who I am at this moment. I mean I’m writing this post in my bed because I fainted earlier after a bike ride to pick up lunch because I forgot to eat all day.
That doesn’t mean I can’t get better. My goal for November and December of this year is to cut back. To be more relaxed, to gain more balance in my life. To actually practice self care, which I have not.
Moving for real?
Not to mention I haven’t actually talked about why it was also so stressful. If you’ve been following me you know I was back in NY for about a year last year. Until September. I’m not sure how much people really know because I try to keep a line between how open about my life I am to the internet. I don’t talk about where I study or much about my daily life, my partner, etc. But suffice it to say, I came up against a huge life crossroad in which I had to decide where I wanted to be living for the next foreseeable future.
I say this knowing I’m relatively young-ish, 26 if you want to know, and can always change my mind like tomorrow. But I had to turn down a fantastic, almost my dream job, and the idea of walking down that path. It was incredibly difficult to think about, to do, and to live with. So I’ll be taking the rest of the year off to be a human.
But no really. I am going to be taking the rest of the year to decide, what I do want to do with my life. Where the next few years will really go. Because, sitting in bed now, I have zero clue.
This isn’t the hallmark, oh fantastic I have all these paths in front of me moment, where I pick myself up off the ground and step forward, away. This is the moment beforehand, the ones cameras glaze over. Where I’m still on the ground, eyes closed, bruises still forming, before I decide where to place my feet.