Okay so April has given me a huge hit in terms of mental health, but also feelings about the future. Do I write that every month? I am reaching about half way through my internship and so this has lead me to think a lot about my dreams and my future. What kind of future do I want? At the same time I wonder at what cost does my dreams come? So this month I’ve been in a tail spin emotionally as I think about what I want.
All of these questions are pretty large and they come with tons of emotions – anxiety, fear, and doubt. Doubt is the biggest of that trifecta because it kind of slips into the subconscious. Then I think I’m this big imposter in life as well. And the doubt feeds into this inferiority complex which feeds into a cycle of anxiety. It’s a really fun emotional cycle….not.
I’ve been drowning myself in reading to make up for this – and work, which is my typical coping mechanism. So in some ways the blog hasn’t suffered, but my creativity and just mental energy is sapped. Not to mention I see a future rapidly approaching where I am getting behind on reading. Faced with everything, in some ways this feels like the last straw. So I’ve been doing pretty poorly mentally and emotionally. I hope May promises something better?